The Poor Pessimist's Guide to Not Writing

I'm not much good at being a pessimist.

Seriously. It's not that I'm a rose-colored glasses person (actually, maybe I am...), but I'm blessed to have optimistic body chemistry. Happy is my default emotional state. In college, I was a peer counselor, which involved pretty intensive training over ten weeks, with a full Saturday devoted to particular topics. For suicide, we were all assigned to think about what in our own selves would drive us to contemplate doing that. It dovetailed with an acting class assignment to perform a solo scene without words. So I created a scene of a woman committing suicide with pills. (I used pine nuts and the flavor of those still reminds me of that sense of despair I created.) It was incredibly difficult for me to get to that place.

As I recall, my acting teacher thought I didn't quite manage. LOL! Of course, there are a number of reasons I'm a writer, not an actress.

ANYWAY. This week's topic in the bordello is The Pessimist's Top 5 Reasons to Never Write. As a failed pessimist, here's my stab at it.

1.  The persistent fear that the next book will be the one that sucks
   
   I can't shake this one. Is it just me? I'm forever worrying that the book I'm writing will be terrible. I also fret that ones that are out are actually terrible - no matter the praise - and that people aren't telling me the truth. I'm not like this about anything else in my life.
   
2. The daily dread that I won't make wordcount
   
   This one is rich. Every day I start writing with the fear that I won't hit my planned number of words. Sometimes I procrastinate on starting, because I'm afraid the words won't flow. Crazy.
   
3.  I could make money more easily in other ways
   
   Right? Making money as a writer is not easy. It takes a long time and is never a sure thing. And, if I think too much about making money, that gets in the way of the story. I still make much more money at my day job and it's not nearly as difficult. For example, I never worry that my next report to the EPA will be the one that sucks. :-)
   
4.  I'll never write a book as good as...
   
   [Insert name of much-loved book here]
   
5.  It gets in the way of my reading
   
   One of the sad truths of writing is it takes away from reading - both in time and pure enjoyment. It's difficult now to divorce my writer's brain when I'm reading and I'm much pickier about books now than I used to be. Alas. Also, the books really pile up these days (see last week's post.)

So, much like I associate suicidal despair with the taste of pine nuts, writing this now has me thinking about all of the craziness that comes with being a writer. I suspect the take-home message here is that not one of these things would exist if I didn't care so passionately and deeply about books and writing. That's what it comes down to for me. My day job is a job - one I enjoy and believe in
- but being a writer is... being alive. Which is why I write despite all of these neurotic fears.

Maybe, in some ways, I write BECAUSE of them. Next week will be the optimist's turn. Much more my natural habitat. :-)

Also...

I've been over at Harlequin Junkie, with an interview and giveaway. I asked readers to comment on what posts topics they like to see from authors. The answers are pretty illuminating! One thing a number of them mentioned is teasers from work in progress. Which I never do. So, I'm testing the theory and I challenge the other Word Whores to do so! Here's a little teaser from book 4 of The Twelve Kingdoms, THE PAGES OF THE MIND.

*******

The ladies oohed, put the last touches on her hair and the subtle makeup Ursula had agreed to, and bowed out to take their places in the hall. Ursula remained still for a moment longer, a somber expression on her face as she studied herself in the mirror, making me wonder what she saw there.

“Nervous?” Harlan asked her, before I could, which meant he earned the glare instead.

“I’m having a big piece of jewelry stuck on my head,” she retorted. “What’s to be nervous about?”

 

Weird is a Matter of Perception

When one is already off-kilter from the norm, "weird" is a relative term.  Now, do I perchance engage in certain behaviors that might cause strangers to do a double-take or maybe even cross the street to get away from me?

~shifty eyes~
Possibly.

3 Things Most Likely Misunderstood By The Casual Observer:

1) What They See: Twitchy woman wandering the dog park arguing with herself (or the dog).

What I'm Doing: Repeating aloud the epically awesome bit of dialogue that just entered my head. I have to repeat it to remember it. 
Facial expressions and gestures may also be involved.

2) What They See: Pudgy broad having it out with flying pig statues in the middle of downtown.

What I'm Doing: Working out the spacial relations for a fight scene.

3) What They See: Dirty cougar leering at the fitness buffs down on the River Walk.

What I'm Doing: Cataloging preening behaviors and reactions to improve descriptions and add variety in my writing.

I'm sure I have more unnerving habits that may or may not have anything to do with writing, but I'm not going to admit them...yet.

~wanders off to scream 'Personal Space Invader!" at strangers~

Why I Locked Myself in a Coal Bin to Become a Writer

So... the topic this week? Don't Judge Me: The Weirdest Thing You've Done In The Name Of Writing.

Like there's just one thing.

And as if a bunch of speculative fiction writers aren't going to want to parse the meaning of "weird."

Still, it's hard for me to think of what to say. I feel like this is a great opportunity to tell a really funny story about some outrageous stunt I pulled, or how I bugged approximately 47 different people until I talked someone into giving me an off-season backstage tour of the Santa Fe opera house. How I seriously considered how badly it could go if I pretended to get lost hiking near Tesuque so I could "accidentally" wander onto Amistead Maupin's property while Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer were visiting.

Instead - almost inexplicably - my mind keeps going back to those very early days, when I first decided to BE A WRITER. How David and I converted the former coal bin in our 1923 Union Pacific house, drywalled it and added a vent for heat, so I could have a quiet place to write. My nose ran with black snot for a week. And that room was never warm, despite all that. I remember getting up at 5am - and I am NOT a morning person - because it was the only time I could carve out. I'd sit in that little, freezing room and eat apple-cinnamon flavored instant oatmeal, which was warm and took only boiling water to make, and write for two hours.

In those days, the only rule was that I had to write. It didn't matter what or how much. Just words strung together.

Those memories feel hallucinogenic and much of what I wrote then had that flavor. A product of sleep-deprivation, being awake at a time that wasn't natural to me and banging on these internal doors, knocking and then going at them with sledgehammers and crowbars, doing whatever it took to pry them open and create a process.

It felt weird.

It still is what I think of, when I ask myself what's the weirdest thing I've done for writing. I turned myself, my schedule, my life entirely upside-down in order to make writing a priority. It wasn't something a sane person would do.

I think this is partly what NaNoWriMo does for people. In the push to accomplish what is a crazy amount of words for many people, they turn their lives and brains inside-out. Maybe it takes that kind of wrenching effort to spend that time in the dusty coal bins of our selves, hoping to open a door into something new.

Maybe writing itself is the weirdest thing.

Answers to the Five Worst Writer Questions

This is the pumpkin spider that lives in our kitchen window, out hunting at dawn this morning. Love the creepy perspective of this pic!

So, this week we're talking about our favorite responses to our least favorite questions about being a writer. What the least favorite question is changes over time, depending on where you are in your career. But they all share the same quality - they're annoying questions because the asker is *really* asking something entirely different.

Here they are for me, by career stage, the apparent question and the real question, along with my suggested reply. At least you'll amuse yourself.


Career Stage: Newbie/Wannabe Writer
The Question: What do you write?
What they're really saying: Are you anybody worth talking to or are you, as I suspect, a mere wannabe?
Quip Tip: "Sexual fables involving lots of mucus, in ancient Chinese script."

Career Stage: Pre-Pubbed
The Question: What is your book about?
What they're really saying: Are you really writing something or are you, as I suspect, one of those people who forever alludes to the novel they're writing, but never produces anything?
Quip Tip: "About 250 pages."

Career Stage:  Published in e-Books Only
The Question: Don't you want to be really published?
What they're really saying: Obviously digital publishing doesn't count.
Quip Tip: "No - I believe printing letters on paper steals the soul of a story."

Career Stage:  Still New, but with a Few Publications
The Question Have I heard of you?
What they're really saying: I don't actually read, but I'd like to be able to tell my friends I met someone famous.
Quip Tip: "Do you watch America's Most Wanted?" (add knowing nod for effect)  

Career Stage: Newly Acquired Three-Book Print Deal
The Question: Who's your agent?
What they're really saying: I wonder if your agent will sell my books too!
Quip Tip: "Actually I don't know - she won't tell me. Something about a restraining order."

Anyone have some better answers? I never seem to think up good ones on the spot...