Novel Dealbreakers

by Kerry Schafer

I like to read. Big surprise, right? My tastes are eclectic, and I read and enjoy novels of nearly all styles and genres. There are, however, a few deal breakers that will make me set the novel down very gently (I would never, ever, throw a book that infuriates me across the room. Never.) Ahem.

Awkward or Lazy Writing.

I'm a poet at heart. My favorite books have words that flow and dance and have a rhythm. When they trip and stumble and bump and clunk, I'm not reading past the first page or two.

Amoral or Purposeless Characters

I will travel nearly anywhere through any kind of plot with a character I love. But I won't venture into even a really good plot with a character I hate. And I hate completely self centered, amoral characters with a passion. They don't have to be "good" - I love a good grey character, and even a passionate villain. So long as they believe in something, care about something, have some code of values they adhere to, we're okay. Let's take an example from TV - the sitcom Sunny in Philadelphia. I cannot and will not watch this show. There is not a single character with whom I can have empathy and all I want to do is line them up and slap them. Hard. I'm forced to endure some second hand TV watching of these types of characters, but nobody can make me read a novel.

Egregious Neglect of Reality

When authors don't do their research, I get annoyed. I can let little things go, unless there are too many of them and the accumulative effect ends with me gently setting the book down. (As I said before, I would never, ever throw a book due to outrage and disgust). Psychiatric illnesses or medical problems based on some bizarre stereotype with no connection to reality have been known to set me off. As does blatant disregard of common sense. There are several such passages in a novel I once read, written by a well known and bestselling author. I did finish reading that novel, mostly out of the sort of fascinated horror that makes people gawk at accidents.

In this bestselling novel, two of the characters are lost in a desert. They are half dead from the heat and lack of water and have reached the point where they can barely stagger along and can no longer speak because their throats are so parched. They find a cave with ancient paintings on the wall, and lo and behold they wander about exploring this cave for several pages, speaking in long sentences as they gaze with wonder and awe. Later on, they find the woman they are trying to rescue. She has been working in a slave camp for several weeks. During this time she has been starved, over worked, and not been permitted a shower. However, immediately after her rescue, prior to food, showers, and medical treatment, she and our intrepid hero engage in passionate love making. Um - just no.

So, that's about it for me. What about you? What makes you stop reading?

Malleable Deal Breakers

I assume that we all have a mental list of Lines That Shall Not Be Crossed, though I suspect some people don’t realize what or where those lines are until they are, in fact, violated. If you don’t know you’re your deal breakers are, give it time. You’ll find out. The strength of your rage will tip you off that someone just waltzed right across the line and into your own personal ‘death is too good for that crime’ territory.

I have a few things on my deal breaker list: violence (physical, verbal and emotional), dishonesty (hey, lie to yourself if you want, but don’t blow sunshine at me), but one that rises to the tippy top of the list is control.

Ah, control issues. What this boils down to is someone you know trying to get you to stop being you. When I was a kid doing well in school and my peers tried to bully me into not doing well, it was easy to get pissed off and try even harder. When people you only kind of know want to manipulate you into justifying their failings (my school peers’ less than stellar academic performance), it’s relatively easy to put up your shields and deflect the crap.

It’s much, much harder and far more insidious when someone you love asks you to be less of who you are in an effort to make their lives easier. Make no mistake. That’s what control issues are about. You are being asked to blunt your personality and your drive for the comfort and convenience of someone who is supposed to love you for who you are. This is the piece that sends me right over the top. Wait. You knew I was like this when we got together. *Now* it’s not okay? WTF?

Control issues stem from fear. Understand that the person with control issues is attempting to assuage his or her fear by getting you to tow a particular line (do things *my* way!). The problem is that even if you do cave, the core problem – your loved one’s fears – aren’t resolved. If you’re in a relationship with someone who has control issues, you cannot possibly change enough or in any of the right ways to make that person okay. Not possible. The fear has to be recognized and addressed from within by the person with the control issues.

How do I know all of this? Every single one of my deal breakers has been hit at least once – save the physical violence deal breaker - you only get one shot with physical violence. BTW – I expect that standard to apply to me as well – if I hit someone who doesn’t want to be hit (your kink is your own, man) then I deserve to be prosecuted and left. So with all those deal breakers getting stepped on, why haven’t I bailed on my relationships?

For me, two things mitigate my deal breakers: Remorse and the honest desire to change (again, physical violence gets no pass. Use it and you’re going down – verbal and emotional violence? Three strike rule. Your personal limits on that may be different). A third factor enters into the equation as well: I’ve made mistakes and violated other’s deal breaker lists.

The difference is intention. I’m lucky. Most of my relationships are pretty healthy. No one *wants* to hurt anyone, much less cross those deal breaker lines. The important part is calling one another on the transgressions and talking through preventative ‘how do we never do this again’ measures. 100% success rate? Hell, no. But so long as honest effort is put forth, and progress is made, it changes everything. Remorse without reform is nothing more than lying. See deal breaker list, above.

I want this slightly malleable sense of limits to enter into the relationships I write, too. It lets me play around with pairing up people who wouldn’t normally stand a chance with one another. Maybe I’m an idealist along the same lines as Jeffe. I believe very strongly that we have endless capacity for change. The interesting bit is what drives us and our characters to want to change? If art imitates life, my answer in almost all cases will be love.

I'm A Girl Not A Goat

by KAK  

Fashion is forever pushing the limits of "zomg, how much did they snort when they designed that?" We all know couture is French for "I played sci-fi barbies today." I expect cray-cray on runway. I don't expect it to stumble down Main Street a few years later. So, in the spirit of Back to School, Autumn Wardrobe Update, and Classics Are Classics For A Reason, here are my Top 5 Main Street Fashion Deal-Breakers for 2011:

5. Leotards & Tights, Minus Pants: I know the 80s are back in all their bright-colors big-hair glory, but even Jane Fonda kept her half-dressed hiney inside an aerobics studio. I don't care how cute you are, put on some damn pants.

4. Micro-Skirts & Tunics as Dresses: If your bare ass will touch the seat when you sit, you need a pair of leggings...or a longer skirt. If you jiggle when you wiggle opt for the latter, preferably closer to your knees.


3. Jumpsuits / Rompers: If you like to floss the camel when you bend over, you might as well sign up for the William Wallace Special.  Gods help you if there's a line for the ladies' room, or a hot dude trying to check out your backside. Yes, yes those things do make you look like you took a dump in your diaper.

2. Skinny-Leg Jeans: If you are built are like woman, not a 9 year old boy, put these back on the shelf. You look like a sausage exploding from its casing.

1. Beast Booties: Hey, I'm a fan of Cos Play. Pony training amuses me. Seeing Jane Doe try to rock beast booties as part of her everyday attire? Makes me want to offer her a carrot stick or a sugar cube ... or get a quirt. Those platform-wedge ankle boots aren't sexy. They make you look like you have hooves.

Those, my dear readers, are my Top 5 Fashion Deal-Breakers for this lovely September 2011. What sort of "fashionable" wardrobe disasters have you seen lately? Care to confess to which ones you've succumbed?

Deal-Breakers: Negotiating with a Foodie

by Laura Bickle

My husband is a foodie. I am not. It results in some interesting negotiation around food. A lot of good-natured arguments about who's right and who's wrong about food.

I mean...I'm one of those people who's entirely cool with having cereal for dinner or eating leftover pizza for breakfast. Food was always sorta a peripheral thing. I've eaten a whole lotta Hot Pockets, Froot Loops,  frozen burritos, and Velveeta. I have dabbled in Spam. I was always one of those people who ate sorta because I'm supposed to, without taking much joy in the process.

Then came the husband, who introduced me to a vast array of food and shoved me kicking-and-screaming into actual dinner every night. On plates. With silverware and stuff. I actually began to enjoy stuff. Bulgogi. Pasta a la caprese. Homemade gnocci.

Yeah, I know. It's a terrible thing to be loved.

But we still disagree on some important issues about food. They're not dealbreakers for the relationship. But they do occasionally result in us sitting across from a table from each other, with one of us wrinkling our nose and saying: "I can't believe you're eating that." They can be a dealbreaker for who will eat what.

On the short list of food dealbreakers:

-Mayonnaise. I love it. Hubs says: "Mayonnaise is France's greatest crime against humanity." So...no potato salad, deviled eggs, or mayo on club sandwiches for him.

-The Great Hot Dog Debate. My tastes in dawgs is pretty proletarian. I like 'em with ketchup, mustard, onion and relish. He says that's sacrilege. He believes in mustard like it's a religion and thinks ketchup is "an abomination unto the Lord."

-Ketchup. I love me some ketchup. On pretty much everything: hash browns, fries, burgers. Bring it. See husband's take on ketchup, above.

-Steak sauce. I love steak sauce. Probably because my relatives cooked meat to the consistency of shoe leather, growing up. It makes everything more edible. Hubs says it disguises the fabulous spice rub he's used on the meat: "You can't taste the steak!"

-Nuts and beans. I adore legumes of all kinds. Hubs will not touch 'em. I've thusly learned to make beanless chili and bogart the peanut butter for myself.

-Sushi. I put my foot down on that one. He says: "You have no idea what you're missing." I say: "I don't eat anything  with tentacles. I've seen too much hentai."

What are your culinary dealbreakers?

Seven Deadly Dealbreakers

by Jeffe Kennedy

I've never been much for the concept of sin. Blame it on the fallen Catholics who raised me. I don't worry about the corruption of the soul so much as the deadly flaws that undermine relationships and a happy life. These are the dealbreakers, the things I try to root out in myself and will only take so much of from other people.

Jeffe's Seven Deadly Dealbreakers

1. Guilt

Did I mention Catholic family? Yeah, we left the guilt behind when my mom flunked theology. (She stormed out of class when the nuns insisted that even innocent third world babies who'd never heard of Catholics would languish forever in Purgatory because they weren't baptized.) Guilt is how we feel when we do something against our beliefs. But other people like to make it be that you should feel guilty if we do something against their beliefs. Or self-interests. No no no.

2. Jealousy

I actually used to tell boyfriends that jealousy is a dealbreaker for me. I've always believed it's a sign of insecurity, not affection. Even in all those 80s romance novels I so loved, I hated it when the hero's love was revealed through jealousy. He went into a jealous rage! Ergo, he loves me! Again, no no no.

3. Score-keeping

We all trade favors. We trade dinner-party invitations. Critique Partners trade reading. Among friends, this requires parity - you try to keep the balance. If someone does a lot more for you than you've done for them, you try to keep track and pay them back. Sometimes though, a person will try to hoard "points" and turn that into what you owe them. Let me do it out of love for you, not because you demand it.

4. Displacement

Please don't take it out on me. Whatever it is. I'm truly sorry if you've had a terrible day and I'll listen to your woes, but if you turn that emotion on me, what a dreadfully unfair thing to do. We all are emotional beings, so don't tell me you're just moody and can't help it. I try really hard to control my emotional atmosphere. This is how we manage not to kill each other like over-crowded rats.

5. Emotional Blackmail

This results from the above. "I feel this way, therefore you must do such and so for me." "If you love me you will..." "A good wife never..." Our love for each other was never meant to be a tool to control their behavior. Which leads to

6. Manipulation

I'm realizing that all my dealbreakers have to do with manipulation. I suppose it's human nature, to try to make other people do what we want them to. It seems easier to line the people in our lives up like good little ducks than to try to find peace and happiness inside ourselves. Easier isn't better, though.

7. Absolutes

Still and all, I'm a grey area girl. I probably have no real absolute dealbreakers, nothing that I wouldn't forgive, if it didn't happen again. I have this consuming belief our ability to change. I suppose that makes me an idealist at heart.

If a lousy Catholic.