Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I'm A Girl Not A Goat

by KAK  

Fashion is forever pushing the limits of "zomg, how much did they snort when they designed that?" We all know couture is French for "I played sci-fi barbies today." I expect cray-cray on runway. I don't expect it to stumble down Main Street a few years later. So, in the spirit of Back to School, Autumn Wardrobe Update, and Classics Are Classics For A Reason, here are my Top 5 Main Street Fashion Deal-Breakers for 2011:

5. Leotards & Tights, Minus Pants: I know the 80s are back in all their bright-colors big-hair glory, but even Jane Fonda kept her half-dressed hiney inside an aerobics studio. I don't care how cute you are, put on some damn pants.

4. Micro-Skirts & Tunics as Dresses: If your bare ass will touch the seat when you sit, you need a pair of leggings...or a longer skirt. If you jiggle when you wiggle opt for the latter, preferably closer to your knees.

3. Jumpsuits / Rompers: If you like to floss the camel when you bend over, you might as well sign up for the William Wallace Special.  Gods help you if there's a line for the ladies' room, or a hot dude trying to check out your backside. Yes, yes those things do make you look like you took a dump in your diaper.

2. Skinny-Leg Jeans: If you are built are like woman, not a 9 year old boy, put these back on the shelf. You look like a sausage exploding from its casing.

1. Beast Booties: Hey, I'm a fan of Cos Play. Pony training amuses me. Seeing Jane Doe try to rock beast booties as part of her everyday attire? Makes me want to offer her a carrot stick or a sugar cube ... or get a quirt. Those platform-wedge ankle boots aren't sexy. They make you look like you have hooves.

Those, my dear readers, are my Top 5 Fashion Deal-Breakers for this lovely September 2011. What sort of "fashionable" wardrobe disasters have you seen lately? Care to confess to which ones you've succumbed?


  1. Funny - last night in the airport I saw three young women in tight jeans, soft shirts with shoulder pads and slouchy leather boots. Now I'm obsessing over WHY I got rid of my purple suede slouchy boots. ~Plotting to find them again...~

  2. Belly baring tops. One-shoulder asymmetrical stuff.

    And cropped pants with boots.

  3. We all know couture is French for "I played sci-fi barbies today."

    Too damn funny!

    I think the worst fashion sin I've committed in recent memory is 80's hair. I'm enjoying it. I know that straight hair is in, but I'm having waaaay more fun being curly.

    Wearing my husband's scrubs is also a no-no, but I will continue to do so...just not in public.

    And also fuzzy socks. I love me some fuzzy socks, and I defy anyone to take 'em away form me.

  4. The shoulder pads, the shoooooooulder paaaads. Like, ohmahgawd,I understood why it was a requirement for Valley girls. ~bounces ears off shoulder pads~

    Oh, Patty, I will confess to the pirate look of cropped pants and boots. ~arrrh, matey!~ The muffin-baring tops were an accident, I swear!

    Laura, I suggest we write-in to Project Runway and give them this challenge, "Scrubs, Fuzzy Socks, and Aqua Net -- get your couture on."

  5. KAK, Tim Gunn would fall over in a swoon if that challenge was presented, LOL!

  6. I dunno, they came awfully close with that pajama challenge on the premiere...

  7. Wait - I loved wearing shoulder pads, once upon a time! And I'm with Laura on the fuzzy socks. If you're old enough to drive, I can manage to tolerate anything you wear, although I may laugh at you. My fashion deal breaker - dressing little girls up sexy.

  8. Oh Kerry, YES! That freakin' show about pageant toddlers screws me right into the ceiling.