How to Tell If You're in a Toxic Relationship (With Yourself) - Or My Goal to Exploit Clickbait-y Headlines

Goals.

I suppose it's good to have them, but I can't help but feel that our (US) culture has a pathological, toxic obsession with goals - a hold over from our Puritan cultural roots that shouts guilt and crazy-making exhortations at us all.

DO MOAR

BE MOAR

YA LAZY, SINFUL, BROKEN BASTAGE

What? Only me? Yeah, I didn't think so. Well let me tell you something. You're fine. Exactly the way you are. Whether you feel tiny or shredded or possibly shattered. It finally occurred to me recently that human beings are only perfect when they are imperfect. It's only through the cracks that our souls shine through. It's from our places of vulnerability that we make the most meaningful and lasting connections. And if you create anything - art, cakes, a home, a family, anything at all, your hurts and regrets and shame are powerful fuel for that art. Not so say that joy and love aren't powerful generative forces, too, they are - but they come after you accept every aspect of yourself. Newspapers and magazines offer up a lot of click-bait-y headlines in January: HOW TO TELL YOU'RE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. If you read through the lists of signposts, you may nod your head sagely, glad you aren't putting up with any of the verbal, mental, emotional, physical abuse of a toxic relationship - but have you tried applying those signposts to your relationship with yourself? I'd fail. Would you? Most of us don't want to be abusers and we'd sooner the ground swallow us up than hurt someone that way, yet we never bother to evaluate how we treat ourselves.

So if there are goals for the new year, let them these:

1. Pledge to be gentle with yourself - adopt a policy of nonviolence in thought, word, and deed concerning yourself. Seriously. Just listen to how you think at yourself. You will be horrified by what you hear.
2. Make time and space for doing nothing at all. It needn't be much time. Fifteen minutes a day. Not for meditation. Not for reading. Not for yet another course on how to do or be The Thing. To do nothing. Most of us have forgotten leisure and how to be alone.
3. Vow to help someone else. Whether you volunteer on a regular basis or just offer a cup of coffee to the homeless kid on the corner once in a while - totally up to you. But if you want the cure for a bad day, bring a smile to someone else's face.

Goals can be a fine thing. You can't get to a place if you don't even know it's where you want to go. Just don't hold on to goals so tightly that you can't take a detour to see the sights. They aren't supposed to be used to flog yourself with. This isn't the Dark Ages. There is no widespread plague calling for parades of penitents flogging themselves to drive off the scourge. Unless, you know, you're into that kind of thing. Then by all means. Make that a goal and flog away.

KAK's 2016 Goals

Things I'd really like to accomplish during 2016 are:

1) Achieve Balance -- This is a lifestyle goal that affects my writing, both in quality and quantity. As a control freak, it is very easy for me to obsess to the point of counter-productivity, even harm. Balance is my go-to word, my mantra reminding me to back out of the weeds and end the vicious cycle. Balance in all things. Mind & Body. Active & Repose. Creative & Analytical. Social & Solitary. Spirituality Without & Within. I've reached that stage in life where it's not about More being More or Less being More, it's about achieving Balance and living joyfully within its fluid state.

2) Write Four Novels -- Three released during the year, one in the throes of professional edits by EOY. As an author-publisher, I can control 90% of the timing of the releases. The catches, however, are goals 3 & 4.

3) Establish More Realistic Estimates for Writing an Editor-Ready Novel -- I'm a slow writer who has yet to establish a baseline of time needed to write a 125k novel.  I've written one in as little as 45 days and another in as long as 7 years. Thanks to the advice of my fellow bordello-mates offered in posts here on the blog, I've a better plan of attack.

4) Be in the Black for the P&L of Publishing -- This one I can only somewhat control. Much of it depends on the sales of published book(s). It's one thing to write two, six, or twelve books a year; it is something else entirely to finance the all the bits that come between writing and release day. Owning the costs, of course, is the downside of being an author-publisher.

5) Complete a Reasonable Number of Honey-Dos -- I've a long list of Want To Do, Like To Do, and Need To Do things that take time away from writing, yet are necessary if I want to avoid turning feral. This ties back to the goal of Balance. I won't bore you with details of caulking, decluttering, etc., at least until the end of the year.

Cheers to Health & Happiness in this new year!

Jeffe's Goals for 2016 (eep!)

I haven't had the heart to clean up the Christmas wrapping dregs, because both cats are having such a wonderful time with them. The modern version of St. Francis cutting off his sleeve rather than disturbing the cat.

Only I'm no saint!

Also - the black cat in the box, white cat out of the box thing amused me no end. Surely there's a metaphor there somewhere.

For those wondering? I feed them both.

So, this week at the Bordello, we're talking about our goals for 2016. The particular rub here is that we'll revisit our posts in the last week of the year and see how we did. Public accountability! Potential humiliation! What's not to love?

Though this was totally my idea - *waves to fellow Word Whores* - I confess this public committing to THINGS has me nervous. Normally I'm a fan of only setting my sights on stuff within my control, but this is a year of taking Leaps of Faith for me. So, here goes:

1) in 2015 I made twice as much from writing as in 2014, but in 2014 I made five times as much as  in 2013. Since I'm no longer working the day job, I *really* need to make a living wage from writing this year, so I really want that every-other-year thing to kick in. Five times what I made in 2015 would be awesome. Putting it out there.

2) My agent has a book out on submission for a new epic fantasy series. It's a rework of the second novel I ever wrote and I love so much about it. In 2016, I want to either see it published or firmly in the publishing pipeline.

3) We're also going out on submission with a new contemporary romance, the first in a trilogy. That one is getting published in 2016, one way or another.

4) I have a third series that's been parked for over a year. The first one is going out in 2016 or it's in an amazing confirmed pipeline. Enough already.

5) I'm making this last one vagueish. I have numerous plans. Hopeful plans to help secure the future for me and my hubs. This is the blogging equivalent of throwing my prognostication penny in the well of good fortune. I totally promise that, at the end of the year, I'll report back on what worked. But I'm too superstitious to unveil them beforehand.

Whew!

*deep cleansing breaths*

Anyone else want to set out some goals? If you do, I'll invite you to guest on my post at the end of the year to report!

Have an amazingly wonderful 2016 everyone!