Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Deal Breakers

Relationship deal breakers seems like a touchy subject. Do I blather on in hopes that I send messages? *taps chin with finger, considering*

Nope. Ain’t my style. So to ensure that what I say isn’t misconstrued by anyone, I’m going to bow out and let someone else take the helm this week.shirtless

Guest blogging in my stead is Johnny Newman.

(Yes, I know that’s my character. Yes, I know that technically I’m still writing the blog.)


Lo everyone. Guess I’m supposed to spill the beans about my deal breakers. Well my first thought is: Who f*#kin’ cares? I ain’t dating you. I’m taken.

*Is poked in the ribs very hard by his author.*

Fine. Deal breakers. *sits up and poses thoughtfully* What would make me run for the door? That’s a pretty heavy subject, and if truth be told, I’d have to say that… *watches slyly as author, now satisfied that he’s playing nice, walks away* …a stupid, close-minded, drama magnet who has no goals in life and lacks personal hygiene would be a definite deal breaker. Duh. That’d make anyone run, right?

There. She’s gone so let’s move on to something more fun.

Did you hear about Sam the UPS man? Well, one morning Sam the UPS man was driving his usual route and as he neared one of the homes he noticed that two cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short as Bob, the homeowner, came out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. He said, “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night.”

Bob, obviously in pain, replied, “Actually, Sam, the party was Saturday night. This is the first I‘ve felt like moving since 4 am Sunday! We had fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild.  Hell, we all got so drunk that around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

Sam asked, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

“Well,” Bob replied, “all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

Sam the UPS man laughed. “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”

”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times!”

*notices author coming back* …and that is why I feel that should be a deal breaker.

Thanks Johnny for filling in today!

No prob. Take care!

As usual, I’ll leave you with a video. Can’t find a deal breaker song, but this fits.

Have a great week everyone.



  1. Aw, Johnny, no wonder you're so popular with the girls. It's too bad we can't get you to play "Who Am I."