Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Nobody Farts During Sex

by KAK 

Hilarious Cards from The Oatmeal

Certain natural bodily functions are universally omitted from fiction. 90% of them are things we do behind the closed door of a bathroom.

When was the last time a romantic hero disappeared into the loo with a newspaper? 

Ever been grateful certain bodily truths never appear in sex scenes? Ever notice you willingly -- nay, happily -- suspend disbelief because you don't want to know that much about the sex? No matter how graphic and detailed the sex scene may seem, writers could make it more detailed.

Believe it or not, bedroom TMI is something of which writers are aware.

Here are my top five sex-scene omissions: 

1. Halitosis -- No protagonist pairing has any kind of bad breath, morning breath, coffee breath, garlic breath, beer breath, blood breath (for you vamp-lovers out there), etc. Our hero and heroine are a perpetual Scope commercial.

2. Smelly Pits or Naughty Bits -- Beat up a bad guy, race ten thousand miles, dash through a wall of flames, slay a goblin, and nobody, nobody, has B.O. Anywhere. 

3. Hair That Ought Not Be There -- Even were-heroes don't have hairy backs. Heroines never have leg stubble or pit fur. Everybody is always baby-smooth no matter how long they've been separated from their toiletries. 

4. The Wet Spot -- Wherever the sex happens, there is no jizz left on the sheet, the car seat, her skirt or his pants. It's like salty disappearing ink.

5. Gas/Air -- Nobody farts. No girl queefs. There is nothing but the dulcet tones of their mutual cries and passion-slicked bodies. No body ever expels anything save for the sweet culmination of their love. Not before, not during, not after. No matter how much lube may have been involved.

The next time you read a sex scene, remember how much the author loves you.

Are there moments in a sex scene that you've wished you could un-read? A bit of TMI that no brain-bleach will purge from your imagination? Do tell.


  1. Ha! So very true. And, yes, I do appreciate it. *grin*

  2. "like salty disappearing ink" - ah, if only! Lately Sullivan and I have been on a "no suckling" kick. Really, there should never be ANY suckling in a sex scene. eyew.

  3. You should put Like Salty Disappearing Ink on a shirt.

  4. SDI should be the name of your rock band, KAK.

    Just...ew. LOL

  5. Didn't Anne Rice's Lestat once... um... smooch Aunt Flo like a rabid Hoover? It scarred me for life.

  6. He did, Delilah, from a nun. It was a little...much.

  7. There was a sex scene in a Stephen King novel that I actually had to skip past. I was reading "Insomnia" when I was about fifteen, and the sex scene was between a couple who were in their seventies. When the word "spindly" showed up, I said, "That's it, get back to the monsters." I've found every other Stephen King scene readable (says more about me than King, though).

  8. I agree with Jeffe: No suckling!
    I also really dislike it when the word teat is used.

  9. ~note to self: do not mention "suckling" in front of the McPig~

    I'd totally forgotten about Lestat's, erm, intense craving, Delilah. That made me recall Anne Bishop's Black Jewels trilogy where the hero takes the pearl he was fishing in order to escape from his Queen. ~leg cross~ ~wince~

    Faith, "That's it, get back to the monsters." LOL. "No 'spindly' in the bedroom!"

    "LSDi" -- It's a new line of concert shirts. Band names only show under dark lights. ~brow waggle~

  10. N.K. Jemisin gave one of her characters radish breath during a sex scene. It actually felt very realistic & didn't ruin the feeling (for me anyway).

  11. Angledge, radish breath?!? Oh, this I must read. Thanks for the recommendation!

    B.E., you know I live to entertain. ~muuwahaha~