EMPLOYEE OR ENTREPRENEUR? or should I traditionally publish or self publish? James tell me what to do!

Self-publishing. Yes, Jeffe is right (as she so often is) it is what every author you know is talking about. Why? Because we are in the middle of a change in the way you read books. Okay, maybe not quite the middle, maybe the first third. Here's the breakdown as I see it. Ebooks are growing. E-book readers are gaining followers everyday. I am a convert. I have a TON of paper books (hell, I bought 2 new ones today). But I truthfully prefer to read on my Nook Color. There is something about it. I love it. I have to make myself stop reading on it to get to my paper books. I know there are those of you who are crying: "I'll NEVER give up my paper books! I love them too much!" And I'll never give up my cassette tapes, I love them too much. Oh, wait a minute. I am old enough to see the correlation between books and what happened in the music industry. When I grew up it was on records and 8-tracks. My first car had an 8-track. I had boxes and boxes of cassettes as a teenager. For years the cassette was THE ultimate way to get music. Then came the CD. Wait, I can have my music, it sounds better, it doesn't wear out, AND I can go instantly to my song of choice? Cassettes died. Quickly. Then came the MP3. The digital download. When's the last time you even listened to a CD? For me? Probably not in 2012. I haven't bought a CD in at least 5 years. Seriously. I have a gigantic musical library but now it comes to me on my Zune. I hate to break it to bibliophiles, but books are going the same way. Now you will always be able to buy books. You will. Just like I can get the newest Kid Rock album on vinyl if I want to. (And I do, make no mistake about it, I do.) But sooner than we think, them majority or books WILL be ebooks. And just like in music, going digital means that a lot more folks can cut out a middle man to do it themselves and keep a bigger portion of each sale and keep the whole amount of their creative freedom. And that day is here. Now I LOVE my publisher. I do. Kensington has been good to me, and they are superb to work with. That doesn't mean that I didn't have to work my ass off to push sales of my book. I did. Kensington didn't set up my blog tour, they didn't write the 30+ blogs I did to promote the book (which took HOURS and HOURS), they didn't get me on the panels of any conventions, they didn't set up my website, maintain my twitter, work my facebook, they didn't print my bookmarks, or meet and greet the hundreds and hundreds of new fans and readers that I have. I did that. All of it. And I am cool with that, this is not a complaint it's an illustration, but it was work. Hard work that paid off, but in the end I will see very little of that monetary reward percentage wise. Cause here is the cold HARD truth of publishing. My cut off each book sold is just under .60 cents. This is pre-tax. And I won't see anything until my advance is paid back and after the "reasonable holds against returns" is covered. (What's that? "Reasonable holds against returns" is an arbitrary amount the publisher holds from your royalties for an indefinite amount of time in case bookstores return your book. It is not a set amount, nor is it even a set percentage. Reasonable is all the info you get. Oh, and it can be adjusted up at the publishers sole discretion without any recourse for the author. It is STANDARD in ALL publishing contracts.) And if I do get a royalty check, it is only sent twice a year. Now look at self-publishing. At the proper price point you will get 70% of your sale. For most books that is well over 2 dollars. There are NO holds against returns, reasonable or not. You get paid monthly or bi monthly. You get an accounting of books sold as they are sold, instead of waiting to get your royalty statement to see what you did. And there is the time factor. I wrote BLOOD AND BULLETS in 2010 and sold it in Dec. 2010. It hit the shelves Feb. 2012. Yep, you read that right. Over a year. Trust me, the advance I got for it was long gone by that time. Self pubbed material can be uploaded in an hour. And that creative control? I have a Shub-Niggurath in space story with a cantankerous lead named Molly. It's a weird story with a weird length. NOBODY WANTS TO PUBLISH IT. It's too long for a short, too short for a novel. The main character is crotchety as hell. It's got bug aliens, and space ships that live, and elder gods. It's sci-fi horror. "But, James, you're an urban fantasy writer." So no publisher wants it. But I bet there are readers out there who want it. So I am working on it, and it will be out this summer. Self-pubbed. I have crime short stories. They will hit this summer too. Self-pubbed. In my opinion, I don't think authors should ditch traditional publishing. Not at all. But don't be handcuffed by it either. This is your career. If you wrote a weird little story about a Unicorn Detective solving crimes in WW2 England, then you KNOW that isn't going to be published traditionally. But if you write from love I bet your fans still want to read it. So put it out there. Do the work, make it nice and self publish it. What's the harm? Don't let your work lay fallow and wasted. You wrote it, or you want to write it, then do and self publish it. If you work as hard promoting it as you do your other stuff, then I bet it finds a home. If you want more info on self publishing here are the links. A NEWBIE'S GUIDE TO PUBLISHING AND ROBERT SWARTWOOD

OH WAIT, THERE WAS A FREAKING CHOICE IN THIS?

Most of you know by now that I grew up reading. I read from a wee child. Not namby pamby SEE SPOT RUN crap either. Real deal books. I was always a huge fan of comic books, voraciously reading everyone of them I could get my hands on. Stuff like this:

I mean look at that. That's freaking Conan. He would stick with me for YEARS. I never stopped loving the character. "Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet..." Robert E. Howard The Phoenix On The Sword I would follow him into the books like this one.

And even to the movies. I also read comic books like this:

That is a red-ass T-rex my friend! This is what my young mind was consuming. Sword and sorcery mayhem along with lobster-skinned T-rex's with friends!

Then we get Edgar Rice Burroughs Hollow Earth stuff. Whoa! Mind blown! There is a civilization that lives on the inside of the crust of our earth? Crazy! And Wonderful! AND THEN MY OLD FRIENDS COMIC BOOKS CAME ALONG WITH MORE SWORD AND SORCERY KICK-ASSERY INSIDE HOLLOW EARTH! OMG!

I know my youth had a harder sci-fi/fantasy edge to it than what I write today, but this is where the seeds were planted. I grew up on a steady diet of this stuff and it was awesome.

LIES, DAMNED LIES, AND WRITING ADVICE

Walk into a room with 10 people and you will find a writer. Everyone is a writer, or knows a writer. I'm not knocking that. Hell, I LOVE writing. You want to write, by all means, you should. Go for it, rock it out, make it happen. So now we come to the truth of the situation though. If you have a writer in every room, you also have writing advice in every room, because the only thing we love to talk about more than writing is......well...nothing. Lots of advice on writing gets bandied about. The worst, absolute worst, piece of writing advice is anything that tells you to follow what's selling. "You should write a crappy romance with light BDSM elements because it sells." "You should write vampires because they sell." "Oh you should steer clear of vampires because nobody reads that." "You should write like Jodi Picoult" You should write like John Grisham" "you should write like YA books." SHADDUP ALREADY WILLYA! Listen to me dear readers because I am only going to say this once. IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO WRITE A BOOK. BY THE TIME YOU WRITE WHATEVER TREND YOU THINK YOU SHOULD FOLLOW IT WILL BE OVER. Plus, why would you ever want to shortchange yourself by ripping off someone else's gig? Let Jodi Picoult write her books. Let Stephanie Meyers write her books. You? You should write your own damned book. Trust yourself. Write what you want to. Go crazy. Make shit up. It's fun. Create your own world and then go in and screw with it like the maniacal, power-hungry god that you are but do it honestly. Now the best piece of advice is this: HEAD DOWN. MAKE WORDS. That's mine. I coined it. You wanna be a writer? Well listen up cupcake, writers write. It's simple. Not easy. Simple. Get to writing. And no, messing around with your author fan page or checking your twitter does NOT count. Make words appear on your screen that make a story. Get busy writin' or get busy dyin'. Seriously. Why are you still reading this? Oh, you want a NSFW inspirational Kevin Smith video? Okay, but after that you open up your damn story and you don't look away from it until you have a decent chunk of wordage. I mean it....don't make me come over there.

"YOU'RE MISSING OUT. IT'S LIKE SEX, ONLY THERE'S A WINNER."

Fave non US show. Well, Jeffe stole my number one pick. I love Torchwood and I have blogged about my man-crush on John Barrowman previously. I do love Doctor Who, but as much as I do there is one show done on british TV that is, in my opinion, damn near perfect.

Jekyll.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

Starring James Nesbitt in the title role this BBC miniseries is a POWERHOUSE OF AWESOME.

It is a modern-day spin on the Jekyll and Hyde myth. It is written by Stephen Moffat and if you don't know WHO that is then off with your head!

The series is well acted, superbly written, and will take your breath away.

Just watch this clip. This is the opening scene. Tell me at the end that you don't want more.

PUT DOWN THE MILK LEST IT SHOOT OUT THY NOSE.

Sorry to all of you for completely dropping the ball last week.

This week though I am here and ready to go.

Now I don't usually troll the interwebs for funny. I don't check Failbook or any of the others. I go straight to the youtube and find things to laugh at.

such as this:




HA! I will watch that video over and over....Cats getting theirs is funny to me...Maybe it's because I have never owned a cat that didn't begin using my laundry basket for a litter box. I am not a cat fan.

Then there is the ever lovely ASK A NINJA. I will get wrapped up in these for hours..it's funny, charming, smart, and can sneak up behind you in a an alley and slit your throat.

Hi larious.



They can throw a shuriken, then jump on top of it. It hits you in the neck and they punch you in the face.


And finally, I love Louise CK. He's raunchy and wrong, and listening to him will make you feel really bad for laughing, but he is so frakkin funny.

Here is a clean bit he did on late night tv that is funny and poignant.




Okay...one more. Stephen Lynch. Funniest man with a guitar....this is about the only clip safe for work so enjoy it. Click on any of his others at your own risk.

IS THIS A KISSING BOOK?

Hands down, best movie ever, the pinnacle of movie making, most quotable movie ever, the best thing that Rob Reiner, Cary Ewles, Mandy Patinkin, Robin Wright, Chris Sarandon, and Andre the Giant ever did, AND the movie that got me The Missus' digits:

THE PRINCESS BRIDE



I mean seriously, this is the greatest movie ever made. You have pirates, revenge, love, death, giants, swordplay, humor, shrieking eels, and some of the wittiest dialog ever misquoted in dozens of languages around the world.



If you haven't seen The Princess Bride then get up, get up right now, get your ass in the car, and go buy it. RIGHT NOW.

No I'm not playing. Move it.




Okay, now that you are back and you have watched the movie God won't have to kill any kittens tonight.

I AM A VERY SECURE MAN. (or in which James discusses his man-crushes which are not few in number)

Celebrity crushes. Well, pull up a chair kiddos and let's talk about my celebrity crushes. Being the only man 'round these here parts I bet you thought you were gonna pull up a bunch of pictures of pretty ladies. Well, you would be wrong. lol. Keeping in the spirit of my fellow word whores I am gonna share with you my man-crushes. Yep. I have man-crushes on some celebrities. Now let's preface this all with a brief aside and a bit of an explanation. I am not a pretty man. I know this. I have a lot of look going on with my size, the tattoos, the shaved head, the goatee. I look like a thug. I am just fine with this. The Missus likes it and I have no problem with my appearance. No low self-esteem at all. So while I am not actually attracted to other men I do have a measuring stick for if a man is attractive. I look and I say:" would I trade places with him in the looks department?" If the answer is yes, then he is attractive. If the answer is no, then he isn't. Some of this is based on the actor's appearance, some on their personality, and some, truthfully on the roles they play. So here is the list of the man-crushes currently going on, along with an explanation for each. 

 4) Timothy Olyphant This one is directly tied to his role as US Marshall Raylan Givens. If you aren't watching Justified then shame on you. This is a badass show and Olyphant is acting his ass off in it. Damn his character is cool. This is the level of quiet badassery that little boys strive for when they are trying to be cool. Like Gregory Peck in TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, Marshal Raylan Givens just shows up and does the work. 

 3) John Barrowman Not only is John Barrowman the "straight version of Tom Cruise" (Thank you Joan Rivers) he is one charming sonnuvabitch. He is funny, clever, and witty. Watch him host shows on the BBC, sing on stage in musicals, or kick alien ass as Captain Jack Harkness on Torchwood and he does it all with style. He still holds resentment for being turned down for the role of Will on Will and Grace for being too straight (John is openly gay and has been in a long term relationship with his partner Scott for EVER) and then having the role given to an actual straight actor. He has the movie star good looks and winning personality to make the list. Whenever I am famous and doing a UK book tour I want to meet him and Scott and then me and The Missus can go to their house for dinner. 

 2) Nathan Fillion The Missus and I had our picture taken with Nathan at Dragoncon. That is one charming bastard. Seriously. It's not so much the looks, but all that charm he oozes in Castle, that's the real deal. At the photo thing he was tired, bone tired, you could see the dark circles under his eyes and he had the world's biggest coffee, but he was still full of energy and cracking jokes. 

 And finally 1) Dwayne Johnson Okay, admit it. Dwayne Johnson is the pinnacle of male perfection. Seriously. He's not even a sexual object as much as what an artist would draw if told to design the ultimate male physique. The sonnuvabitch is carved from marble. Plus he is a pretty good actor and has more than his share of charm. He can swing from ass-kicking action to charming and tender-hearted, to downright damn funny. He's the person I had in mind to play Deacon Chalk if a movie is ever made. Ya hear that Dwayne? Do you smell what the Tuck is cookin'? An BTW, thank you all for all the books you have bought and all the reviews, posts, and comments you have made for my new book BLOOD AND BULLETS. I am truly grateful for just how supportive you have all been.

OMG! TOMORROW! TOMORROW!

Holy crap.
Tomorrow I will be a published author.
Holy.
Crap.
Actually, I am already a published author. I have a short story in One Buck Horror's special issue (One Buck Zombies) called "He Stopped Loving Her Today." That came out in October. I also have THAT THING AT THE ZOO the e-novella prequel to the Deacon Chalk series. It's available everywhere ebooks are sold for less than a dollar and you should buy it.

But TOMORROW I will have a real, physical book on the shelves of your local bookstore!
BLOOD AND BULLETS A Deacon Chalk: Occult Bounty Hunter novel is released into the wild on 2/7.

It feels good. Real good. I have been blessed with a lot of support from my fellow writers, including my bordello-mates here at the Word Whores. Most reviewers have liked it, more than a few loved it, a couple were blind to my genius. (That last one was sarcasm)

It feels good. I love being a writer.

Here is what some kind folks had to say about my book!

BLOGCRITIC

MY BOOKISH WAYS

LOV-LIV-LIFE REVIEWS

LOVE VAMPIRES

ACTION!

The black keys sit beneath outstretched fingers, white letters mocking in their tiny square borders. Micro muscles pull the phalanges in tiny jerks and spasms of anticipation. Pull, relax, pull, relax, a dance of contraction.
The fingertips gently stroke across the keys in a wave of language. The response is immediate. One tentative word splashed across the white screen. The fingers pull back, waiting for the eyes to catch up.
The mind clicks. Unspoken orders fly through nerves, setting them on fire. The fingers react with flash and fury. Dive forward. Strike. Pull back. Strike again. Pressing harder each time, driving down, trying to push the mocking letters through the other side.
The fingers dance around each other, circling with purpose. Darting in and out, barely missing each other. Words spill out across the screen like blood on ice. Stark and quick, laid out in an ever growing puddle of hot, sticky language. The keys cry out, clacking for mercy, but no mercy will be given. Not this time. Not now. Not until the final word is torn from them and left lying among its fallen brothers.
.
.
.
Okay, that may have been a bit of a gimmick and I'm not going to obsess over that. LOL.
I LOVE action scenes. I love writing them and I love reading them. Hell, I love watching them on tv too. When I am writing the Deacon Chalk series I find that if I go too long in writing without an action scene I start to get antsy. I begin to go back and count to make sure that not too much time has passed without one.
But action can be hard to write. You have to find the rhythm of it, the ebb and the flow that makes it exciting and not a hot mess a reader has to wade through.
But I find that I can tell a lot about the character in how they react to a fight. You never really know how you are going to react to a violent situation until you are put in it. Reading about a character the first time they have to make the choice to fight for something they want is a great way to know them. Action scenes lay the character out to their most basic desires, giving us insight into the things that matter most to them. Do they fight to save others? Are they trying to save their own skin? Are they just being cruel to someone weaker than them? What is the one thing they are willing to not only risk themselves for, but also to hurt someone else for?

It can get deep quickly in an action scene. See, my fingers are willing to hurt the keys in order to get words done. They are merciless in this pursuit, uncaring of how much the keys protest. Their clicking and clacking falls on the deaf ears of my fingers as they continue to pound away.

So what does this say about my fingers?

(Okay, this post officially got weird.)

So, dear reader, do you love action scenes and if so why? Are they just mind candy with all the pretty explosions, or do you look for the depths of the character in them?

I HAVE SOME PRETTY WILD DREAMS

Well, being a published writer is a wild dream in and of itself. I am grateful that I can do this and, so far, it seems to be going rather well.

I have a lot of dreams that have to do with being a writer. Win a Stoker award. Win an Edgar. Be published in multiple countries and languages.

But my wildest?

I want a movie.

I would take a TV show, but I want a movie from my Deacon Chalk books.

Now, it's not outside the realm of possibility. Thousands of books are optioned by Hollywood every year. My book is an action-packed, blockbuster style book. It is loaded with cool stuff that Hollywood likes in it's summer movies. So let me clarify.

I want a GOOD movie made of my books. I want a big budget, star-laden, well directed, true-to-the novels, runaway smash of a movie.

And I want this man to play Deacon Chalk.






Yes that is Dwayne Johnson. He is Deacon Chalk. It will be his biggest movie ever. And I want a cameo. I want Deacon to walk through a door. We meet face to face, do the slow look up and down to each other and then pass on by.

That would be awesome.

I don't want to be an actor. I just want that one small thing.

I have other dreams. Dinner with John Barrowman and his partner. Andrew Vachss saying: "I read your book. It was good." Sharing a panel with Laurell K. Hamilton. Sharing a pizza with Neil Gaiman. Hosting my own convention for authors and readers to meet each other.

But I think the movie is the wildest.

Well, except for maybe the gold swimming pools full of cash.

THAT THING THAT I DO

I have a terrific day job. Really, it's one of the most awesome day jobs in the world.
I get to work here:


This is my tattoo shop. Family Tradition Tattoo in Marietta, Ga. I've been tattooing now for over 15 years. I love it. I opened my own shop about 3 years ago and it is exactly what I wanted. A quiet place where grown ups come to get nice tattoos. No crowds of 'hanger out-ers' to wade through, usually we have blues or country or pop playing on the stereo, and we stay drama free. I have great artists who work there with me and I like them both as people, so work is a pleasure.


And I get to do stuff like this to people....and they PAY me for it!





Now in my day job I do run into a LOT of people. You will see some of these people show up in my books. No I never tattooed a Were-spider, but I did tattoo a lady that reminds me of Charlotte. In my day job I also get to meet people who are experts in weird stuff that I wind up using in my books. I have tattooed on police officers, undercover officers, military folks, firemen, and "contract security specialists" (read that last one as mercenaries). Yes some folks are full of BS, but not all.

And I learned the patience it takes to write a book. Sitting there slogging through the fifth hour of someone's seven hour tribal sleeve where I am just packing black, endlessly making little tiny circles with my machine and staying on task was where I learned to sit down for 4 hours to get out a few thousand words on an 80,000 word manuscript.

I am thoroughly enjoying both of my jobs now. See?

AN UNEXPECTED SUPRISE

Well, I certainly hope that each and everyone of you had a very Happy Holiday, whichever of the multitude available you celebrate. It was a very nice Christmas and Hanukkah around the Tuck house.

So here was a little surprise that I discovered just 3 days ago.

Apparently the E-novella prequel to the Deacon Chalk series I write goes on sale TOMORROW! This was supposed to come out later in January, but I guess the good folks at Kensington moved it up so that folks could use their gift card and new devices for it.

It's called THAT THING AT THE ZOO and it is up now for preorder on Barnes and Noble. It was up on Amazon, but there was a glitch. I am sure Kensington will fix it today and when they do I will drop the link here. But for now, you Nookies can preorder it. (see link below)

So here is what THAT THING AT THE ZOO is about:

Shredding monsters is his stock and trade. He sniffs them out, tracks them down, and corners them. End of story. But when the tables are turned, expect the unexpected.

Knowing his enemy is a rule Deacon Chalk swears by. But he's never seen anything like whatever is leaving the Atlanta Zoo's most dangerous predators bloodless, skinned, and hanging high in treetops. And he’s only got till sunrise to keep it from turning the entire city into a slaughterhouse. Now Deacon is in zoo lockdown with a handful of staffers to save. His zookeeper backup has more guts than monster-hunting experience. And the only chance Deacon has to run this thing to unholy ground is to risk unleashing his darkest, most uncontrollable instincts.


And now for a handy excerpt.

I moved away from the wall. My legs made long strides across the grass, the smell of piss fading as I walked. Jimmy the zookeeper hustled to catch up with me. He was breathing hard by the time he did, doing a jog-step to keep pace.
“What the hell are you doin’ now?”
“We need some bait. This thing likes to swoop down and grab its victim.”
“But you had me lock up all the animals so they would be safe from it.”
Listening to the night air, not looking at him, I drew out the Bowie knife. “I know.”
“So what are you gonna use for bait?”
“Us.” The silver edge gleamed in the full moonlight as I laid it against the skin of my forearm. I keep my knives sharp so there was only a thin flash of burn as I drew it across my arm. The tattooed skin parted, blood welling up behind the slice of the blade. I didn’t cut deep, but it bled freely, running red rivulets down my arm, filling my palm, and dripping off my fingers.
A flick of my hand sent droplets of my blood arcing out onto the grass around us. I try to keep my blood. Too many things out there can use your blood to harm you, but once it hits the earth its magickal properties are grounded out unless it is being used in ritual. This wasn’t ritual; it was bait. Chum in the water so to speak. The cut stopped bleeding, so I wiped the blood off on my jeans.
I turned to Jimmy the zookeeper. “Get ready. I don’t think it will be long.” No, not long at all. The hair on my arms was standing on end, static electricity crackling between each one like tiny Tesla coils. My ability to sense supernatural stuff was wide open and I could feel something coming closer. In my mind’s theater I felt leather and fur rub along the inside of my skin. A crunchy taste filled my mouth, sucking out all the moisture, like eating too much roasted coconut. Whatever we were after was headed our way.
Something flashed into existence over the scent mark on the wall, moving so quick and silent it seemed to appear from thin air. It was black against the white-washed wall, hanging by a hooked claw. I heard it draw a long inhale through its lungs. It snorted and shook its head, not liking that its scent mark had been desecrated. One inhumanly quick pull swung it to the top of the wall where it squatted, a dark shape against the low moon.
Its head swung slowly from the left to the right, mouth open, breathing in the night scent through glistening fangs. Large triangular ears ran from cheekbones to the top of its flattened skull. A low screech followed the turn of its head, like the rusty screen door on Hell. Its face came around to our direction, low cry vibrating my skin with sound waves. They passed over me as it continued to turn its head. Immediately that monstrous face snapped back towards us and snarled. Red eyes glowed with a satanic light, throwing ruby highlights across a flattened snout and curving wet teeth.
The beast rose, standing on the wall. Clawed arms whipped over its head. The moonlight glowed through thin membrane wings that stretched from knotted hands to cadaverous waist, black veins traced through in relief. One wing was torn, a rip in its center that the moon shone through. It was covered in patches of greasy rat fur, glistening in the night. Where it had skin, it was bare and mottled gray. Anatomy showed it was female, breasts hanging pendulous in a mockery of womanhood. It once was human. It once was alive. Now it was neither. I knew exactly what we were up against.
Nos-fer-fucking-atu.
Pulling down on the slide, I checked the shotgun to make sure there was a shell in the chamber.
Bring it on, bitch.



FOR MORE GO BUY THE E-NOVELLA FROM OH AND IT IS ONLY $.99! Less than a buck gets you a great slice of kick-ass urban fantasy!

HERE


And don't forget that my fellow Word Whore Linda Robertson has a release coming out tomorrow also! So pick up THAT THING AT THE ZOO by James R. Tuck (me) AND grab a copy of WICKED CIRCLE by Linda Robertson!

Ahhhhhh Chocolate, welcome home for the holidays.

It's Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. One of the reasons that sentiment is true is this little chunk of wonderfulness.

The Terry's chocolate orange. Dark preferably, just because I ALWAYS prefer dark chocolate. But this little gem is available in milk chocolate and (shudder)white chocolate also.

They used to only be available here at Christmas which made them all the more special. (Now you can get them year-round.)

For the unfamiliar, these are globes of orange oil infused chocolate that are divided in wedges so that they look like pieces of an orange. Wrapped in an orange foil and about the size of your fist they are perfectly engineered to perform the best part of the Terrys orange when you are a kid.

See, if you just unwrap the foil then you are presented with what looks like a solid chunk of chocolate (which is just fine in most cases lol). But no! The magic of the Terry's orange is that you take it in your hand and you WHACK IT ON THE TABLE LIKE YOU ARE TRYING TO BREAK THE DAMN THING! Seriously, just pick it up and slam that little bastard on any hard, flat surface like it called you bad names.

Then peel back the foil.

VIOLA!

Now enjoy the best thing you ever had ever.
(Oh, and for me they are the BEST when they have been in the refrigerator for a few hours. Then they are refreshingly crisp.)

Y'all have a Very Merry Christmas. I hope you and yours are truly blessed this holiday season.

Oh! Eek! When your folks read your naughty bits.

FROM: James R. Tuck

Hello, hello, hello. It's me, the new kid on the block. Proud to be the first Man-Word Whore 'round these parts. I promise to try and do the wonderfully talented ladies here justice in their choice of including me.

So my first topic to post about is when your parents read the sex scenes you write.

Well, it hasn't happened yet since the book isn't out until Feb 7. 2012 (BLOOD AND BULLETS from Kensington. End shameless plug.) but it should generate a conversation at least. That is, if my mom makes it to the vampire brothel/strip joint much less to the actual naughty scene.

See, I am a Southern boy. I was born and bred in Georgia. I grew up going to church. (In fact, for a very short window of my life I was a Church of God youth pastor.) My mom still goes to the church that I went to most of my young life, from 13 until my early 20's. She is morally conservative. She was only ever married to my father and to my knowledge has never really even dated anyone but him, not even in the decade plus he was taken by the cancer. She is your typical, Southern, religious, totally awesome mom. And she is proud that her son wrote a book, but I am trying to think of a way to let her know that my book, well, it ain't for her.

I wrote it because I wanted a DARK, violent, thrill ride of a kick ass book. I had hit a streak of reading books in urban fantasy that were supposed to be dark and violent but wound up being really tame IMHO. I set out to push the edge of Urban Fantasy. To not treat it like a nice safe thing. And I think I succeeded, I mean I put some really crazy shit in my book.

So, I guess I'm not so much worried about the racy bits with my mom because I don't think she'll get past the bloody violence and the four-letter words that I used like it was my job. I mean, is a vampire handjob all that shocking after you blow a hole clean through someone's chest?

I still feel I should give my dear mother a heads up though, before she runs out to buy the book. Hmmmmm, maybe I should call her. (I know, when in doubt you should always call your mom and say hello.)

If you have any advice on how to break the news leave it in the comments!

Keep the faith until next time,

James R. Tuck