Wednesday, July 6, 2011


by Linda Robertson


Visiting other time periods, as in the Magic Treehouse books by Mary Pope Osborne (many of which I’ve read aloud to my boys when they were younger) would be stupendous. Climb up a rope ladder into a treehouse/library, pick a book and open it to a cool picture and basically say you wanna go there and, after spinning a bit, you find everything goes still, absolutely still, and you’re right there where the picture shows. Add in a bit of Merlin’s magic and  you have total coolness.

But let’s be practical. Couldn’t I just go back with a printout for myself that reads:

In 10th and 11th grade in general, don’t take anybody’s shit. In three years it won’t matter if any of those assholes liked you or not anyway.

During the summer of your senior year, don’t let your folks talk you out of being in the band. You’ll always regret it.

After graduating, do NOT marry that loser. He’s a total cheat.

In 1995, so-and-so #1 is going to tell you lies. Do NOT believe them.

About ten years later, , so-and-so #2 may have been your friend for many years, but she’s got a knife to put in your back. Better to beat her to the punch. I happen to have this wicked little suggestion…..

Later this same year, you’re going to be tempted to go out with so-and-so #3 . Don’t waste your time. He’s gonna dump you for a chick who’s not as reckless fun-loving.

When a fuse in your truck goes out, you won’t know be able to see that your check engine light is on and you will burn up your engine. Don’t worry, you make it home just fine. Instead of buying a new car, replace the engine. That truck does DOUGHNUTS. It might be the last vehicle you own that does, so hold onto it.

And here are the lottery numbers for megamillions the weekend you turn twenty-six.

Right? Isn’t it the REAL point of having a time machine so you can go back and fix all the things you screwed up so you can feel confident and be successful in life?



  1. LOL! It's Bill & Ted's meets the Butterfly Effect. Love it!

  2. LOL okay, I take back changing major points in history. I like this much better!

  3. But, Linda, if you go back and change these things, you wouldn't be who you are today. It's what we take from the lessons that's key!

  4. I love your take on the time machine things. If I could go back, I'd love to tell myself things to make my life a little less rough. Like "Pay attention on 1/11/94. Red lights mean STOP" Or "He might seem like Mr. Right when you meet him, but he's so Mr. Wrong, you need to run far and fast." And to let the people I love in on the little missteps in their own lives, so they can avoid hurt, too.

  5. Jeffe--I know. But with a time machine, if I turned out to not like myself because of the changes, I could go and unchange them. ;-) Hee hee.

  6. Ah yes, that old "If I could go back I could fix all my screw ups" thing. A universal(at some point) human wish. Loved the video. Thanks for posting this.

  7. If you paid me a million dollars, I would never go back. Not even knowing what I know. Interesting - I'll endlessly revise something I'm writing, but I have absolutely no desire to revise my life.