Ah, Glory Days

Okay. Stupid human tricks. I have 'em. The days of performing all but the simplest are past...but here. Try this.

Stand with your feet flat on the floor. Now, squat down without lifting your heels from the floor. Sounds simple, but a significant portion of the population can't do it. This isn't so much a stupid human trick as it is a trick of genetics. You're either born with hyper-open ankles or you're normal.  This is the one I can still do.

The real trick was a blip corresponding with my three years at an acting conservatory. I was in the best physical condition of my life. It was nice while it lasted, so don't ask to see this in person. Someone'll just end up having to call 911.

Start in lotus position. Slip your hands through the gaps in your folded legs. Using the strength of your abdominal muscles, bring your knees as close to your shoulders as you can. Now. Hike forward and up on your hands. Walk. Climb stairs - this is the easy part. Now, turn around. Go back down - this is the bitch. But yes. I could do this. I DID do this for a show while still at Cornish. It amused my classmates. They already thought I was pretty hopelessly strange, so it was no big deal to confirm their suspicions in this fashion. Besides. It made the object of my unrequited affection at the time laugh, so I was all about it.

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Party Tricks. Or the Lack Thereof.

by Allison Pang

I'll be perfectly honest - I'm not much of a party goer.

Part of this is because I don't really drink. (Mostly for medical reasons.) Makes it a little hard to get into the scene sometimes.

Also, I'm really a bit of an introvert overall. Parties just aren't my thing.  (Or maybe I'm just going to the wrong sorts of parties. The last few were work related and...I just can't get into those at all.)

However, this picture is fairly apt. If I'm at your party and you have animals, then I become the god damned cat and dog whisperer.  I have a gravitational pull for the furry and the small like a small collapsing star.

Now, in my younger days (before all the funky back stuff), I could have probably entertained you with my odd double jointed jenga back and the sort of flexibility that allowed me to stand on two full sized yellow page books and still flat palm the floor when I bent over.  (Not too bad for someone who was not a gymnast.)

Or wiggle my ears so that my entire scalp moves back and forth.

Or fit my entire body through one 1/4 panel of a window. (Did that once when I got locked in a bathroom - the doorknob fell off the other side and I couldn't get out. Window was painted shut, but there was one pane out and I managed to get through that and onto the roof.)

And yes, I can still put my legs behind my head. (Back in the day I could walk on my hands at the same time...but that was probably like 20 years and 20 lbs ago? Yeah. >_<)

Alas, these days, if you're wandering around said party, you'll probably find me in the quietest, darkest corner alone with my crippled back. And the cat.

IN WHICH I GOT NOTHIN'

Stupid human tricks. Man. I have wracked my brain for something. . . and have come up blank.

Seriously. I have no tricks. I mean, I can snap my fingers freakishly loud, but that isn't really a trick as much as it is a terrific way to get my kids attention when they were young.

I can't juggle. I can't balance a lawnmower on my chin. I can't ride a unicycle.

But it's okay, I don't feel bad about it.

However, I can tell you about my favorite stupid human tricks that other people do.

I love, love love watching strongman stunts. Seriously. You want to bash your skull into a flaming stack of concrete blocks? I'll watch. Want to huff and puff until you blow up a hot water bottle and make it burst like a mouthful of Hubba Bubba? I am in. Roll up that frying pan, I can buy another one. Rip a phone book in half, nobody uses the damn things anymore anyways. lol.

I don't care if you are the World's Strongest Redneck or one of the many, many strongman teams who destroy objects for the love of Jesus, make a video and put it on Youtube. I will watch it. I will share it.

And I watch the "serious" ones like the World's Strongest Man competitions, but my true love comes from the more lurid stuff. Forehead to brick. That kind of stuff. The dangerous stuff.

I wonder what that says about me?

(The same thing it will say about you after you watch this video and you enjoy it. lol)