Euphemism, Repartee, and the Master

by Kerry Schafer

"Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Ophelia: No, my lord.
Hamlet: I mean, my head upon your lap?
Ophelia: Ay, my lord.
Hamlet: Do you think I meant country matters?
Ophelia: I think nothing my lord.
Hamlet: That's a fair thought to lie between maid's legs.
Ophelia: What is, my lord?
Hamlet: Nothing." ~Shakespeare

My sister word whores blew me away this week with their euphemistic prowess. I had thought myself reasonably well versed in sexual verbiage and repartee until I read their varied and educational posts. Every day this week I found myself staring at the computer screen, mouth ajar, eyes crossed, realizing just how sheltered I have apparently been all my life.

As the week progressed, my sense of doom and foreboding grew. I was going to have to write a post myself. I thought about offering up an excuse - that there are only so many good euphemisms to begin with, and they'd all been taken by the time we got around to Saturday. Only, I have to admit that even if I'd had the first post I'd still have come up empty.

Clearly I needed a little help, so I turned to the Master of sexual innuendo and repartee - the one and only Bard of Avon - Mr. William Shakespeare himself. Strictly speaking, the samples I've chosen from his work aren't exactly euphemisms. I'm afraid you'll have to humor me. Whether it's euphemism or innuendo or word play, you've got to admit he was a pro.

Here's another one from Hamlet:

• Hamlet: My excellent good friends! How dost thou Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do you both?
  Rosencrantz: As indifferent as children of the earth.
  Guildenstern: Happy in that we are not overhappy; on Fortune's cap we are not the very button.
  Hamlet: Nor the soles of her shoe?
  Rosencrantz: Neither, my lord.
  Hamlet: Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favours?
  Guildenstern: Faith, her privates we.
  Hamlet: In the secret parts of Fortune? O, most true! She is a strumpet. What's the news?

Moving right along from the Privates of Fortune, try this little snippet from the Taming of the Shrew:

PETRUCHIO

Who knows not where a wasp does
wear his sting? In his tail.

KATHARINA

In his tongue.

PETRUCHIO

Whose tongue?

KATHARINA

Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.

PETRUCHIO

What, with my tongue in your tail? nay, come again,
Good Kate; I am a gentleman.

Next, from the poem Venus and Adonis:

Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.
- William Shakespeare

And then there is this well known phrase from Othello:

Iago:
"I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs."

Interestingly enough, Shakespeare appears to have lifted this from a much earlier source, Rabelais, circa 1532:

"In the vigour of his age he married Gargamelle, daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well-mouthed wench. These two did oftentimes do the two-backed beast together, joyfully rubbing and frotting their bacon 'gainst one another."

I think "frotting their bacon" is a lovely image with which to end this week. If anybody else has any favorite quotes from Shakespeare or beyond, I'd be delighted to see them.

We Interrupt Our Programming

I'd had a faintly humorous (I'd hoped) and whiny post planned about euphemisms. Then I got up this morning to devastation in Japan and a Tsunami Advisory posted for our area. DH and I debated the wisdom of rushing down to the boat to double check lines and disconnect shore power. But really. How wise would it have been to rush down to the water as if either of us could prevent whatever wave surge Ma Nature sent our way? So we'll wait. 12 hours. We'll go to the boat tomorrow and deal with whatever clean up is necessary. If we're lucky, it'll be a complete non-event. I'd like that. I'd have liked that for the people of Japan. If you have the means, consider donating a few dollars to the relief charity of your choice.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming:

So here it is. The actual topic. Euphemisms. . . Yeah. I got nothing. Every single euphemism listed this week has been an education. I'm in my forties. This can't be right. Where the hell have I been all my life? It's not like I was reared in a convent or anything. Heck. Maybe I'd know some of this stuff if I had been. Sure, I know a few common things: Kibbles and Bits, Silk Purse, Pocket Snake - you know. The silly, junior high stuff. Apparently, collecting and reading comic books throughout one's youth and young adulthood doesn't adequately charge one's vocabulary.

I'd wanted to say I don't use euphemisms when I write a sex scene, but in fact, I do. But here's the interesting piece - at least to me - I equate the anatomy with the person. "She tested the silky texture of his skin." You know exactly what skin and where. Don't know why I do this. Maybe it was a Dr. Ruth lecture where it was made clear that especially for men, sexual anatomy is equated with the individual. Guys really do equate their penises with themselves. (The point of that lecture was a woman who did not want to perform oral sex, much less swallow, was told that when she rejected that part of her man, she was rejecting him in total as far as he was concerned. No. Don't recall how that whole thing turned out - it was about the psychology for me.)

Maybe that's the problem. Sex is sex. Given the limited number of natural orifices in the human body, there are only so many permutations of how things happen. Yeah, yeah. Kink, freak and furry - window dressing. Ya still gotta insert tab A into one of three slots if female, or one of two lots if male in order for the possessor of tab A to make it to Happy Land. Fun? Possibly. Interesting? No. Not really.  The interesting part is the psychology surrounding the approach to sex (and then the psychology after sex) that's fascinating.

And let's be frank. You don't have to come up with a whole slew of euphemisms for Clown Shoe Crazy. Still. UrbanDictionary.com Maybe I'll spend a little more time reading...

Talk Qwerty to Me

I know, I'm reusing this picture from my own blog post a few days ago, but it didn't occur to me until after I'd posted that it really was perfect for this week's Word Whore post.

So, two points for recycling?

Anyway, sexual euphemisms and I aren't total strangers. Regardless of the topic,chances are my mind will happily plunge straight into the gutter. (I may not always voice my thoughts aloud, but they're there.)

When it comes to writing them...eh. In some ways I'm probably a bit more conservative than others - there are certain words/phrases I don't like, but that's probably true for everyone. And as we've seen on the blog earlier this week, go too clinical and it jerks the reader right out of the scene. On the other hand, make it too purple and you risk the reader laughing.

And as an aside, one of the worst euphemisms I've ever read was one where the author referred to the woman's naughty bits as her "hole of contentment."

Just. No.

*ahem*

Purple headed warriors and quivering love pudding aside, I have found one of the best references to be a book called "Slang Down Through the Ages."

It's a pretty nice starter, and followed up nicely by The Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. I like this one in particular because it was originally written in 1785 - nothing quite like getting things straight from the source, particularly when writing a fantasy or a period piece. There's a bit of overlap, obviously, but still very useful. (Dancing the blanket hornpipe, anyone?)

Both books have far more in them than mere sexual expressions, by the way. There's some superb thieves cant in general, mixed with Gypsy terms and a bit of "everyman's" slang - all in all, it's great stuff.

For a more modern look at euphemisms, check out Sex Lexis. (This site is probably NSFW, but it's worth a look).To be honest, some of the terminology and phrases here are so over the top that I don't think I'd ever be able to use them with a straight face (although more power to you if you can insert "gallop the maggot" or "drinking from the furry cup" into your WiP somewhere...)

So, worst euphemisms that you've ever read (or written?)

Euphemisms for Naughty Bits...British Edition

by Laura Bickle

Um. Sexy bits and sexy descriptions are not my forte. I tend to stick with pretty straightforward description. And I do struggle with it, some days. There are only so many ways to describe the male and female anatomy.

Maybe.

But, for your amusement, I've picked up a list of interesting euphemisms from a Dictionary of Slang (British edition, because the Word Whores are classy like that). I was previously unaware of these euphemisms until I spent a good half-hour paging through the site. Being a dumb American, I hope that I cause no inadvertent offense by passing these odd-sounding euphemisms on to an unsuspecting audience.

get one's kit off  Vrb phrs. To take one's clothes off, usually heard as a sexually motivated request and has nothing to do with sportswear. E.g."Cor, I wouldn't mind getting her kit off...."

growler Noun. 1. Vagina. From the rhyming slang growl and grunt meaning...
2. A meat pie. [Lancs use]

wizard's sleeve  Noun. A large or spacious vagina.

milkers  Noun. Women's breasts.

threepenny bits  Noun. Women's breasts. Rhyming slang on 'tits'. Also thrupenny bits. Cf. 'thrups'.

widgy  Noun. Affectionate term for the penis.

tallywhacker Noun. Penis.

German helmet  Noun. The head of the penis, from its physical shape being vaguely similar to that of a German soldier's headwear.

womb broom Noun. The penis.

welly-top Noun. Descriptive of a large vagina. Supposedly having the roominess and appearance of the top of a wellington boot. E.g."Thomas was horrified to hear she had a vagina like a welly-top."

trap off Verb. To attain a liason with a sexually desirable person. Also just phrased as trap.

toothing Noun. Sex between strangers, after having been arranged via the mobile phone (cell phone) using Bluetooth technology.

Lady lumps Noun. Women's breasts.

like a dead heat in a zeppelin race Phrs. Of a woman, having large breasts. Cf. 'zeppelins'.

friar tuck  Noun. 1. Sexual intercourse...

dirty pillows  Noun. Women's breasts.

shrimp  Verb. To lick, suck and kiss the toes for sexual gratification. E.g."I dont know how people can be into shrimping, imagine how smelly people's feet get."

snurge  Noun. A person who smells bicycle seats for sexual pleasure.


Romantic stuff, huh? My husband has promised me twenty bucks if I can work any of those words into my next book and get it past the editorial process.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net