Finding Balance in the Chaos

by Allison Pang

Welp.

I wouldn't say I have anything close to balance when it comes to deadlines vs household anything. It's more like juggling chainsaws that are on fire. And oh yeah, one of them is probably laced with acid. And there's an evil clown mooning me from the wings. Also? I can only stand on one leg.

That probably sounds extreme, but I'm not really sure how else to compare it. The day job is nuts. The children are nuts (and the boy child was just diagnosed with ADHD. It's been interesting.)The husband's law enforcement job is also nuts. (And usually a hell of a lot more interesting than mine, btw.) The amount of chronic daily pain I'm in is nuts (and fluctuates like mad.)

This  means that I don't really have a schedule, because nearly every day is different.

I work a standard 9 to 5...but I also live in the DC area. My commute home (a whopping 12 miles) could be 20 minutes...or 2 hours. It's usually 6 by the time I make it home, get the kids, attempt to make dinner, get through homework/extras/fun activity...and then it's about 10 PM. And then maybe, if I'm not completely wiped out, I start writing.

Some days are better than others.

The offshoot of all that is my housework is nil. It doesn't get done on any regular basis. I don't cook much either - I tend to buy a lot of pre-made things at the grocery store when I can. (Fresh stuff, not fast food.) Something has to give and for now the dust bunnies have won out.

Now, up until recently, the husband did shift work - midnights, evening, days, most weekends, overtime. I couldn't actually plan anything around his schedule, because even if I knew he was technically supposed to work from X to Y, I never knew when I'd get a phone call stating that a shooting had happened, or a high speed chase or a drug bust or a suicide in the park, etc. etc. I learned pretty damn quick not to make any plans. I had to schedule my time as if he wasn't going to be around at all. Bonus if he was, but it's saved me a great deal of frustration to just realize that's how it has to be.

(Yes, we do divide some chores, but my job has more flexibility when it comes to scheduling, for obvious reasons. That means the majority of doctor appointments, etc. falls to me.)

The good news is that for the last six months, he's changed positions slightly. For now, he's only working M-F...and he's usually home by late afternoon. And he has weekends off. The amount of difference this has made for me personally is nothing short of amazing. Much of the burden of sprog homework has shifted onto his shoulders, with the added bonus that it's nearly all finished by the time I make it home. (And that homework is getting more complicated and longer as the kids get older. It's a massive relief to know I'm not going to be stuck trying to figure out fractions and decimals all over again.)

Sometimes the dishes actually get done now.

So what does this mean for deadlines?

Each deadline that I've had so far has been completely different. In the past, I've usually had to just try to work around the chaos. It usually meant working until 2 AM or more if I had no other choice. On weekends, I'd take the kids to grandma's or try to find a babysitter.  If the husband was around and I had something immediately due, he'd usually take them out of the house for the day. (Because believe me, no matter the best of intentions, even if I'm working in a closed room, the kid distractions are many. Particularly when they were younger and needed more attention - it's getting better now that they're a little more self-sufficient.)

Sometimes it's not even about trying to manage MY time, but being forced to work within certain constraints.

For example - my first book? Had plenty of time - my editor had a detailed revision letter and gave me a solid six weeks to work on it. No problem.

Second book? My editor (diff from first) sent a scant revision letter and basically told me to turn it in "whenever." (And then just passed it right up to copyedits when I did, because...I don't know?)

Third book? Third editor (diff from second AND first)  gave me a good revision letter...but wanted it back within one week. Which was pretty much impossible. I did it in two, but only because I ended up using four vacation days from the day job to manage it. (Which is really pretty shitty, honestly, but that's how it goes, I guess.)

So how do I handle deadlines?

Chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

Housekeeping & Deadlines

When deadlines loom, how do I divvy up the chores? 

~snork~

Deadlines? What Deadlines?

How to Balance Chores and Deadlines

This photo really is apropos of this week's topic. I tweeted it after I managed to duck out Friday afternoon and get a mani/pedi. Frivolous, perhaps, but I'm headed to my college reunion this week and the RT Booklovers Convention two weeks after that - this is long-term prep.

All part of balancing my Things to Do and keeping all those balls in the air.

This week's topic is "Division of Labor: Who does what when deadlines loom." I know that several of our Word Whores live alone, so I imagine their posts will be along the lines of "WHAT freaking division of labor??" It is one of the great advantages of living with someone else - being able to share the load of the whole food and shelter thing.

For me, though, the deadlines don't really change much about how we handle stuff. I think that's because David and I have been together long enough (22 years) that we have a pretty good rhythm worked out between us. One of the reasons we harmonize so well is that we both value having a peaceful home.

This may sound like a no brainer, but it's a different value than many people have. Our house is usually silent - no TVs, no music - and we're often both working quietly on our projects. Neither of us likes drama. We rarely fight, we try to handle crises with as much grace and efficiency as possible. We had plenty of drama when the kids were teenagers; now, between the two of us, we keep things smooth and even.

We've traded some chore responsibilities back and forth over the years, but at this point he handles the meal-planning and cooking. We go to the grocery store once a week together and otherwise he handles additional shopping needs. He maintains the cars and household repairs. I clean, do dishes and laundry and handle the finances. This works really well for us and matches our personal rhythms. I don't mind spending the day cleaning house and doing laundry, but I really hate to have to stop working on something multiple times a day just to fix a freaking meal.

But this balance doesn't really change when a deadline is looming. My whole objective to dealing with book deadlines is to keep my progress steady and even. A few times I've told David I need to crunch and plan to spend an entire weekend writing - which he's always good about giving me room for - so that might mean the dishes pile up. I get to them eventually, though, and he never complains. When he was in school and had a big exam coming up, sometimes I offered to cook dinner. I'll do that, too, when he's not feeling good. I'm also still a better cook than he is :D so me offering to prepare a special meal is a treat.

Likewise, if I'm hustling to get out of town to fly somewhere, he'll often pop out to put gas in the car for me, clean the windshields and check the fluids. That kind of caring for me means more than flowers and chocolates ever will - though I like those, too.

I'm blessed to have the supportive and peaceful home life that I do. I remind myself of that when he TALKS to me at exactly the wrong moment.

Balance in all things.

THE DIVISION OF LABOUR AIN'T CALCULUS

Chores. You know, they aren't called chores because they are fun. I live in a house with 3 teenagers. Two of them are the fruit of my loins, the third is a new addition, a nephew of my wife. They are all "the kids" and all part of the household. No true differentiation between them especially when it comes to chores. Now we don't ask much of the kids. Do your own laundry, don't leave food in your room, pick up your crap, you know, simple stuff. Big chores we are willing to pay for. You mow the grass, it's worth $20 bucks. You move big trash up to the curb for Big Trash Day and it's worth a tenner. Not a bad deal. The only glitch in the system is the damn dishes. The Missus recently came to the conclusion that there was no reason the two adults in the house should cook and do the dishes. So now dishes are divided amongst the three. One unloads, one loads, one has a break in a weird rotating schedule that is flexibly adjusted depending on a multitude of factors. Here's the thing. Somehow, I have a 14 year old, and 2, count 'em TWO, 17 year olds who are incapable of loading the damn dishwasher right. It doesn't matter how many times you explain that the hole in the center of the dishwasher cannot be covered by a pot because THAT IS WHERE ALL THE WATER COMES FROM, they still throw something over it. That one pan will be clean as hell, but everything else is dry as a bone. And they will either cram everything in the dishwasher, stacking things on top of each other, cups inside of glasses, bowls inside of pans... Or more commonly they throw two bowls and a cup in the top rack and proclaim the damn thing full. This is with a sink overflowing with dinner dishes left. (This especially happens when dinner runs late and there is Buffy on Netflix to be watched.) Sometimes I swear they suck at doing this so that we will take it back just to have a clean plate to eat on. They don't know us very well. lol.