Friday, February 11, 2011

How Can I Pick Just One

Neuroses. Yes, plural. I have them. I know I have them. I try desperately to hide the fact that I'm plagued by the monsters. For the longest time, I tried to kid myself that I *wasn't* a neurotic writer. When that patently wasn't going to fly, I tried to convince myself that I could keep the insecurities under wraps. No one need know. Just me and the harpies in my head. Remember the scene in When Harry Met Sally where they cover high maintenance versus low maintenance? Yeah. Pretending I wasn't neurotic made me the worst thing I could be:  a nutjob who *thinks* she's not a complete whacko.

So what's my poison? The rumbling ground-shaker of mental worms: "Not Good Enough". That's the niggling, tiny voice that oh, so innocently insinuates that this story is nowhere near as good or fun or #insertadjectiveofchoicehere as the last story. It sneaks up behind you at the dinner table and whispers, "Wow, that sauce is missing something, isn't it?" When you're driving to the doctor's office, it's the invisible hand that shoves a memory front and center - typically the memory of that awful, terrible thing you did to your best friend in whatever grade - the point is, you hurt someone and the point of this neurosis is to make you feel like the single lowest form of life on earth. It's the fear that you're nothing more than a mediocre hack and that's all you'll ever be, by God. It's the voice that pipes up just as you're dropping off to sleep that says, "God, that scene your wrote today is stupid. Can't you come up with something that's actually interesting?"

This neurosis is brutal and vicious. Under the pressure of this neurosis, I stopped taking care of the house. Then I stopped writing. Left unchecked, this neurosis can become deadly. There's a fine line between the persistant 'You're Simply Not Good Enough' messaging and 'If You're Not Ever Going to Be Good Enough to Do the Thing You Love, Why Are You Even Here?' That's suicide chatting you and me up, right there. It came to call on me on Tuesday - a lovely sunny day - as I was driving back from . . . whatever it was I'd been doing. I've seen the sights in 'death ain't so bad' land. Not impressed by them. I know the tricks. I don't fall for them anymore. Action was required to counter this neurosis. Immediate, decisive action.

I came home and made a cup of tea. Then I sat down with a pen and paper and free wrote - this is an emptying out exercise designed merely to lance the boil and drain the gunk mucking up my head. Then I wrote about what I want from myself and from my life. This gives me a clear picture to use as ammo against this particular neurosis. One of the most powerful things you can do when dealing with neuroses is to stop the repetition (I call it a tape) when you realize you're being tormented by your own brain. Stop the tape and then consciously build an image of the best case scenario. (The rule says: Give the best case scenario equal time.) An example: with the 'not good enough' tape, I mentally yell 'cut' and then visualize my book altar (what? You don't have one?) lined with tens of individual titles - all by Marcella Burnard. Free writing helps, too. As some of the crap drains to paper, I gain space and perspective. Patterns of thought emerge - things that can be broken down, addressed and fixed. I called my naturopath. Supplements, exercise and light therapy were prescribed - in Seattle, all neuroses are aided and abetted by the pathologically short, gray days.

All well and good. But believe me when I say that nothing is going to be allowed to get between me and my work. If I have to resort to a course of pharmaceutical psychoactive meds to kick this neurosis in the teeth, I will. Cause, you think a neurotic who doesn't think she's neurotic is bad? Wait until you piss off that neurotic by telling her she can't work anymore and that all those stories wandering around in her head are never going to be told.

10 comments:

  1. Good for you, Marcella! I'm glad the steps you've taken this week are working. It's brave of you to share these dark thoughts with us. And, hey, now that you're feeling frisky enough to get that laundry done, those stories will pour onto the page. Can't wait to read the third book!

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  2. Oh, I hear ya. Really.

    At some point, I'm going to say enough is enough and stop rewriting the same sections of the book just to appease the "you know it can better, make it better" voice. 'Cause "Brillant WiP revision 32" just ain't healthy.

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  3. Marcella, I can't express how thankful I am that you wrote this. Not only did you prove I'm not alone with those dark days, you gave me a wonderful idea on how to fight it! Thanks again, and I would wish you best of luck writing, but you don't need it :)

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  4. Wow. I'm so glad I'm not the only one with this neurosis. And I'm sorry, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thanks for showing me I'm not alone because sometimes that helps kick this malady in the teeth as much as anything else.

    And yeah, the thought that these stories in my head will never be told freaks me out. It's a fear I'm staying one step ahead of.

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  5. D.F. and B.E. - thank you both. I hesitated over posting something this grim, but I do at least know it's not just me. If any of the tactics I've used can help you, then maybe I'm not the loser that voice in my head keeps trying to tell me I am. :D One note, though. Don't screw around once the thought of 'better off dead' shows up. Talk to someone you trust. Let them know what's going on. If that person suggests seeing a doctor, go. You still have control over whether or not you take meds. And remember that no one deserves to feel this way. Drug therapy isn't my first choice, but to stay alive, I'll take them without hesitation. Brain chemistry imbalances are a biological issue the same way in insulin imbalance is. Up to the point of suicidal thoughts, you have all kinds of options for treatment (natural medicine, acupuncture, exercise, etc). Once death enters the equation it's time to recruit some big guns to help you fight back.

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  6. Thanks for this. I'm familiar with this particular issue as well, unfortunately, so thank you so much for having the courage to talk about it.

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  7. *Hugs* Thanks so much for giving a voice to those of us who are too scared to say how debilitating this kind of doubt and darkness is.

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  8. a very brave post!
    I too know these fears and have been at the point where I thought 'why go on?' and yes: medication to help restore the balance in brain chemistry is very necessary in a case like that.

    And I have to add:
    I love your first book. Looking forward to reading the next!

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  9. I know the "I'm not good enough" demon all too well - it follows me everywhere and causes all kinds of trouble. Congrats for taking steps to fight yours - it's not an easy thing to do. I don't suppose this will help a whole lot, but I thought your book was awesome. Couldn't put it down.

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  10. Sullivan and Kerry, thank you very much! Hearing praise for the 'first born' is always a pleasure. :) But here's the lesson - being published doesn't slay that damned 'not good enough' demon. I'm working on a shrink ray for him. . .

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