I'm A Girl Not A Goat

by KAK  

Fashion is forever pushing the limits of "zomg, how much did they snort when they designed that?" We all know couture is French for "I played sci-fi barbies today." I expect cray-cray on runway. I don't expect it to stumble down Main Street a few years later. So, in the spirit of Back to School, Autumn Wardrobe Update, and Classics Are Classics For A Reason, here are my Top 5 Main Street Fashion Deal-Breakers for 2011:

5. Leotards & Tights, Minus Pants: I know the 80s are back in all their bright-colors big-hair glory, but even Jane Fonda kept her half-dressed hiney inside an aerobics studio. I don't care how cute you are, put on some damn pants.

4. Micro-Skirts & Tunics as Dresses: If your bare ass will touch the seat when you sit, you need a pair of leggings...or a longer skirt. If you jiggle when you wiggle opt for the latter, preferably closer to your knees.


3. Jumpsuits / Rompers: If you like to floss the camel when you bend over, you might as well sign up for the William Wallace Special.  Gods help you if there's a line for the ladies' room, or a hot dude trying to check out your backside. Yes, yes those things do make you look like you took a dump in your diaper.

2. Skinny-Leg Jeans: If you are built are like woman, not a 9 year old boy, put these back on the shelf. You look like a sausage exploding from its casing.

1. Beast Booties: Hey, I'm a fan of Cos Play. Pony training amuses me. Seeing Jane Doe try to rock beast booties as part of her everyday attire? Makes me want to offer her a carrot stick or a sugar cube ... or get a quirt. Those platform-wedge ankle boots aren't sexy. They make you look like you have hooves.

Those, my dear readers, are my Top 5 Fashion Deal-Breakers for this lovely September 2011. What sort of "fashionable" wardrobe disasters have you seen lately? Care to confess to which ones you've succumbed?