Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Heroes of Various Shapes & Sizes


By KAK

In the face of great adversity, 
a hero will display uncommon courage and the will for self-sacrifice.

Behold my hero: 

Wha? Every woman knows courage is required to rock summer attire. After spending winter in gluttonous hibernation, something is definitely going to be sacrificed. Hopefully, it'll be limited to my personal comfort and that second helping of Black Forest cake (with extra Kirsh, naturally).

Girdles -- Keeping the Junk Stuffed in the Trunk

As a teen, I scoffed and sneered at the reinforced mummy wrappings. Underwear was matching soft cotton panties and bras -- the sort of pairings that stood up to locker-room scrutiny. As a twenty-something, the only restrictions I believed in were control-top hose and their power to defeat elephant ankles. As a thirty-something, I embrace block-and-tackle kink-free bondage gear. Far beyond corsets and control panties, I continuously test the durability of thigh molders, high-waisted muffin eliminators, bat-wing busters, back-fat smoothers, and under-bust support shelves.

 Shapewear -- Fighting Gravity One Cellulite-Riddled Appendage at a Time

I'd like to take a moment and thank my undergarments for regularly having the wherewithal to contain all of my gloriousness. But lo, should there ever be a blow-out... shield your eyes. The defeat of these unsung heroes will scar everyone within the blast zone.

Now, if you'll excuse me, a lovely canary halter dress is calling my name. First, I need to wrestle my way into a full-body deprivation suit. 

10 comments:

  1. LOL you kill me!! It's funny you say this because a couple of weeks ago I went dress shopping for Nationals and mentioned to my cousin that I don't own Spanx or anything like that. She stared at me like I'd grown a second head and said, "We're getting you some." *goes shopping*

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  2. Bleh - what does it say about me that I'd rather diet and exercise than wear restrictive underwear? Save me from the Spanx!

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  3. Spanx, man. Spanx are my friends. They suck it all in, keep my thighs from chafing if I'm not wearing hose with a skirt, and eliminate panty lines.

    Any undergarment that can solve that trifecta of issues gets its own drawer space.

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  4. What memories? My rubber girdle mouldered from non-use. Couldn't stand the thing.

    Tight jeans were a different story.

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  5. I've never actually tried the Spanx things. (I detest panty hose, tho, so if it's anything like that I probably wouldn't wear it...)

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  6. Oh, Danica, for all the reasons Laura mentioned, the bike-shorts (for knee-lengths) and peddle-pushers (for maxi dresses) really are good to have during a conference. They far outlast baby powder on the chafe-track and spare you utter humiliation during Marilyn moments.

    Kay, 100% cotton tight jeans before the ubiquitous addition of spandex, now those were king of "holding everything in place." They were also the reason I frequently got out of the car with my pants undone.

    Jeffe, what it says about you is that you are far less of a sloth than I. ttthhhppp

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  7. Allison, they run the "restriction" gamut from "return of the 90s bike short" to "let's keep Kirk from looking like he had too many beers on Risa."

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  8. LMAO. The Kirk girdle!

    Oh, yeah...must share a chafe-track solution that someone shared with me last year that really works. A layer of deodorant. Eliminates chafe entirely.

    Sorry that this totally degenerated into TMI!

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  9. Ooooo! *Takes notes for the pre-Nationals shopping trip*

    I'm guessing Levis with battery-acid holes in them aren't going to be quite business attire enough...Never mind the accident with the bleach bottle, used to be navy blue Keds.

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  10. Marcella, if you show up at National in acid-wash tattered denim and bleached out Keds -- I hope you rock the neon off-shoulder XXL shirt, the jelly bracelets, and the mile-high bangs. ~salutes the 80s~

    Laura, your TMI is going to be tested today on the hellmill. ~nods~ Yes, all, there's your pretty image to scar your vision ... enjoy.

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