The Cowardly Word Whore, or, Discretion is the Better Part of Valor

By Kerry Schafer

This is the point where I must sadly admit that I am weaponless. I considered this a normal state of affairs until I discovered that apparently, out of all of the Word Whores, I am the only one not trained in self defense.

Okay - I can hold a gun and figure out where the safety is and which end is the business end. I can load the shotgun and shoot something with reasonable accuracy. I've done some target practice with a pistol or two and I can hit a non-moving target. Some of the time. If an intruder came at me and I happened to be holding a loaded gun in my hand I could shoot to kill. Yep. Not a doubt. Uh-uh. None.

Knives? I'm good with knives. I can skin an apple. Dice a potato. Tomatoes are defenseless against my mad skillz.

Good ex-Canadian that I am, I grew up playing hockey with the boys, so I'm certain all of that wild stick handling serves the same purpose as quarter staff training. This is why I keep an old hockey stick under my bed. Next to the knife. And the shotgun. Oh - let's not forget the cast iron frying pan. And the cat. And the very large dog, who is not under the bed but outside the front door.

I'd like to say, like Marcella, that my brain is my weapon of choice. I'd love for that to be true. My favorite characters in both books and movies are the ones who overcome superior force by wit and cunning. Harrison Ford in his role as Dr. Kimble in The Fugitive, for example. Apart from the total hotness of Harrison Ford, whom I happen to adore, the ability of the movie character to survive by thinking his way through things makes me go all fan girly.

But the sad truth is, my brain takes vacations on a pretty regular basis. Particularly when I am stressed or anxious. All of those blonde jokes? Yep, they fit.

When I think about somebody attacking, I honestly don't think about weapons. I think about running away. Where would I run to, where could I hide? Could I get up into the attic? Run into the forest? Climb a tree?

"Discretion is the better part of valor," right? RIGHT?

Hmmm. Maybe it's time to take that self defense class I've been talking about. Sign up for martial arts. Get the Viking to take me out for some more target practice. Or maybe it would be best to start jogging every day, because I suspect when it comes to Fight or Flight, I'm probably just going to take to my heels.