This week, the WORD-WHORES are taking turns posting about euphemisms. Just in case you don’t know, a euphemism is the substitution of mild words in place of others considered too blunt, crude or offensive. They’re sometimes used to shield children from knowing what’s really being said, such as, “Rizzo has a ‘bun in the oven.’”
Yup—the Oxi-Clean of our language—euphemisms get the dirty out.
They serve their purpose like some kind of sanctified metaphor meant to redeem us of our vulgarity…but I like the dirty. I am, in fact, very entertained by uncouth foul-mouthed-ness disguised as pseudo-innocent conversation. My best pals have made it an art form.
So, as I explain why this post is (EUPHEMISM OF THE DAY ALERT!) well hung, keep in mind that instead of actually using euphemisms, I’m going for the antithesis of the euphemism. I’d much rather make mild or innocuous words seem dirty, blunt, crude and/or offensive (**pay attention to the words in “QUOTES”) and substitute words that truly are blatantly dirty, blunt, crude and/or offensive in place of mild words (**pay attention to the words in ITALICS).
Long ago, I was employed at a gas station. Before the days of “at-the-pump” credit card “service,” yes, I “authorized your nozzle” and when you “came inside” for your “candy bar,” I “manually slid your card through the slot.” NOTE: If you were the guy who came in every Friday with the “little boa constrictor” around your neck, let me tell you now: “I always wanted to touch it” but was too scared of your tattoos and piercings to ask if I could “fondle your snake.” If you were the guy who crank called me about the free underwear…I didn’t actually believe you, but damn, you had your riff and the telemarketer tone down pat. (It was impressive.) If you ever bought a mini York Peppermint Patty that was flattened on one side like it had been flung “forcefully against the wall…” it had been. I’m sorry. “My co-worker and I got bored.” We “tossed them” at each other from time to time.
Again, what has that got to do with (EUPHEMISM OF THE DAY ALERT) the phrase “well hung” ??? I worked at Sohio during the time it was bought out. My “work clothes” went from the blue shirt with the dorky navy blue girl-tie (barf) to a very similar uniform in green. Who bought Sohio? BP did. Yup.
At the time, I was known to say things like: I work for Big Penis.
Big Penis, is after all, what the euphemism “well hung” is trying to protect our virgin ears from, and now you understand the “loose” title of my post. :-D
Sooo…question: is this antithesis of euphemism best called:
Tell me whatcha think.
If you can use the EUPHEMISM OF THE DAY in your comments, you get brownie points!
ROCK-N-ROLL’s BEST BACKWARDS-EUPHEMISTIC SONG OF ALL TIME: